Attachment Issues in Relationhips
When Fear Looks Like Control: Understanding Anxious Attachment in Relationships
It’s common these days to hear the word “narcissist” thrown around to describe intense, challenging behaviors in relationships. Whether it’s a partner’s emotional outbursts, jealousy, or their constant need for reassurance, we tend to quickly label them as narcissistic. But here’s the thing: not every intense reaction stems from narcissism. Sometimes, what we’re witnessing are behaviors rooted in anxious attachment—a response driven by fear, not control.
When both partners in a relationship have an anxious attachment style, their actions can mirror the behaviors we associate with narcissistic abuse—emotional meltdowns, jealousy, and a craving for validation. But there’s a crucial difference: anxious attachment is fueled by fear of abandonment, not a desire to dominate or manipulate. In the heat of judgment, it’s easy to miss this distinction.
Emotional Meltdowns & Protest Behavior: Fear of Losing Connection
One of the most misunderstood aspects of anxious attachment is how emotions emerge during conflict. People with anxious attachment are hypersensitive to any signs of emotional disconnection. A small shift in attention can trigger intense emotions—crying, frustration, even yelling—that might look like attempts to control or manipulate.
But according to Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, these emotional surges are actually protest behaviors—a desperate cry for connection when someone feels emotionally threatened or ignored. In a culture that often values emotional independence, these reactions can easily be seen as controlling. But underneath it all is a profound fear of abandonment, and these protest behaviors are a plea for reassurance.
Blame: A Defense Against Rejection, Not Dodging Accountability
Blame is another common reaction for those with anxious attachment. When their emotional needs aren’t met, they might accuse their partner of not being present or caring enough. On the surface, this can resemble the “blame-shifting” often associated with narcissism. But according to Dr. John Bowlby, founder of attachment theory, this blame is more about defending against rejection than avoiding accountability.
For those with anxious attachment, blame serves as a shield, a way of projecting their deep insecurities outward. It’s not about dodging responsibility but coping with a deep fear of being unworthy or unloved. In a society that emphasizes self-reliance, this emotional dependency may come across as narcissistic, when in fact, it’s raw vulnerability in disguise.
Hypervigilance and Jealousy: Anxiety, Not Narcissistic Possessiveness
Hypervigilance and jealousy are often mischaracterized in relationships with anxious attachment. When insecurity sets in, someone may become fixated on their partner’s actions—questioning friendships, doubting loyalty. To an outsider, it can look like possessiveness, but Dr. Amir Levine explains that this hypervigilance is driven by fear, not control.
Those with anxious attachment are on high alert for any signs of rejection, sometimes interpreting innocent interactions as threats. It’s easy to misinterpret this behavior as extreme or controlling, but it’s anxiety at play—a desperate need for reassurance, not possessiveness.
Reassurance: Emotional Dependency vs. Narcissistic Attention-Seeking
One of the most challenging aspects of anxious attachment for partners is the constant need for reassurance. Anxiously attached individuals seek validation to calm their fears of abandonment, often needing regular reminders that they are loved and valued. This can feel exhausting and lead partners to mistake it for narcissistic attention-seeking.
But Dr. Phillip Shaver makes a key distinction: those with anxious attachment are not seeking to inflate their egos. They’re looking for emotional safety. They depend on their partner for reassurance to regulate their emotions, while narcissists seek validation to boost their sense of self-worth, often disregarding their partner’s needs.
Push-Pull Dynamics: Anxiety, Not Manipulation
In relationships where both partners have anxious attachment, there can be a push-pull dynamic that resembles the idealization-devaluation cycle found in narcissistic abuse. One partner may seek closeness, only to pull back when they feel overwhelmed, causing the other to pursue them even more. This back-and-forth can feel exhausting and is often misinterpreted as manipulation.
But Dr. Stan Tatkin emphasizes that this dynamic is about managing anxiety, not control. Both partners are afraid of abandonment, and their attachment styles feed off each other, creating a cycle of pursuit and withdrawal. It’s not manipulation—it’s two people navigating their fears without the tools to do so effectively.
Fear vs. Control: The Core Difference
The behaviors associated with anxious attachment—emotional meltdowns, jealousy, blame, and constant reassurance—can easily be mistaken for narcissism because of their intensity. But the crucial difference lies in the motive: anxious attachment behaviors are rooted in fear, while narcissism is driven by control.
Narcissistic abuse revolves around power and dominance. Anxious attachment, by contrast, stems from a fear of abandonment and an overwhelming need for emotional security. These behaviors may seem counterproductive, but their ultimate goal is to feel safe in a relationship that feels uncertain.
Healing Together: Building Secure Love
For couples caught in these anxious attachment cycles, building a secure relationship can feel like an uphill battle—but it’s possible. Julie Menanno’s Secure Love offers practical strategies to move beyond these anxious patterns. Key steps include recognizing protest behaviors, practicing vulnerability, and making repair attempts—small gestures to reconnect after conflict.
Learning to self-soothe and regulate emotions without solely relying on a partner is crucial for those managing anxious attachment. And fostering a “culture of appreciation” within the relationship—regularly expressing gratitude—helps dissolve insecurities and build a stronger bond.
With the right tools, couples can break free from the painful cycles of anxious attachment and create relationships rooted in trust, safety, and true intimacy.
About the Author Laura Vetrano is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Colorado, specializing in couples counseling and trauma therapy. She helps couples heal from emotional wounds, break unhealthy patterns, and build secure, thriving relationships.
References
- Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
- Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
- Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and Loss (Vol. 1).
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached.
- Menanno, J. Secure Love: Building a Thriving Relationship Through Attachment Science.
Connection
We are a tribal species
As a counselor, I see a common theme in the lives of many people I work with: a deep sense of isolation and disconnection, even in the midst of busy, full lives. We juggle multiple roles—managing careers, raising children, caring for aging parents—and somewhere along the way, we neglect our own emotional needs. This feeling of loneliness often creeps in unnoticed, slowly taking root. As humans, we are wired for connection. When we fail to nurture that vital part of ourselves, our emotional and mental well being starts to unravel.
Connection is fundamental to who we are. Historically, our ancestors thrived in tight-knit communities, not only for survival but also for the emotional support that comes from belonging. That need for connection is still embedded in our DNA, but modern life often works against it. We live in a fast-paced world that values individualism, pulling us further apart. Midlife can be especially isolating, as responsibilities grow and our time for nurturing relationships shrinks. And in today’s world, technology, social media, and the constant stream of alarming news only add to the sense of separation.
While technology has brought undeniable benefits, it has also created a superficial sense of connection. Social media allows us to stay in touch with many, but it often leaves us feeling more isolated than ever. We may spend hours scrolling through updates, but those deep, meaningful connections—the ones that truly nourish us—are becoming increasingly rare. Meanwhile, the constant barrage of news, often filled with fear and division, compounds these feelings, leaving us overwhelmed and retreating further into our own bubbles.
By the time many of us reach our 40s, we begin to notice how much our social world has changed. Friendships that once flourished may drift apart. Our schedules are packed with work, family, and caregiving, leaving little time to nurture relationships. We are surrounded by people, but still feel lonely—caught in a paradox of being busy yet profoundly disconnected.
And this isolation is not just a matter of feeling sad—it’s harmful. It runs counter to our nature as social beings. Research shows that we thrive—mentally, emotionally, and even physically—when we feel connected to others. Loneliness, on the other hand, is linked to higher risks of depression, anxiety, and even physical health issues like heart disease. But there is hope. The power of meaningful connection can transform our lives. Relationships provide emotional grounding, reduce stress, and give us a sense of purpose and belonging.
If you’re feeling isolated, it’s important to know that reconnecting doesn’t have to feel like another task on your already overwhelming to-do list. It’s not about squeezing more into your busy schedule, but about making intentional choices to show up in your relationships. Start small—send a message to an old friend, have a meaningful conversation with a family member, or seek out communities, both online and offline, that make you feel seen and valued.
We often think of self-care as indulgent activities like bubble baths or vacations, but true self-care also lies in nurturing our relationships. It’s about recognizing that we need one another—not just for survival, but also for emotional and mental nourishment. When we invest time and energy into the people who matter most to us, we’re also investing in our own well being.
If the weight of disconnection feels heavy, consider these steps:
- Reach out to someone you care about: A phone call, a coffee date, or a meaningful conversation can be a powerful reminder that you are not alone.
- Find your community: Whether it’s joining a local group, volunteering, or engaging in an online space that aligns with your interests and values, surrounding yourself with others can rekindle a sense of belonging.
- Set boundaries with technology: While technology can help us stay connected, it can also be a barrier to deeper, more meaningful interactions. Prioritize face-to-face conversations or limit time on social media in favor of personal engagement.
Seeking connection is not a sign of weakness. It is an act of courage and an acknowledgment of your humanity. True connection—the kind that makes us feel valued, seen, and alive—is essential to our well being. By taking steps to reconnect with others, you’re not just strengthening your relationships, but you’re also nurturing your relationship with yourself. Life was never meant to be a solitary journey; it is through the connections we build that we find our greatest strength.